This is part of the Pants of Empowerment project, where women share the voice of their feminine nature and in return, receive a fantastic pair of pants to empower them. All names have been changed.
What are you aware of in your pelvic bowl?
Mainly my labia, although spending time there looking around, it just felt like being in a safe cave.
My general sense internally was richness and lusciousness and safety and when I got to this portal the choice aspect came up. That I can be in this place, this is my place, now I know I can choose who can come into this place and who doesn’t and when and how.
And yet the memory of other people making choices about that, the memories remain. And I want to rub them out and erase them because of who I am now and what I know now, but I can’t.
What does she want to say about that?
I did some Yoni-talk on a Tantra workshop some years ago and when I was listening hard, and one of the facilitators was by my side supporting me and said something like,
“Is she saying she wants to be fucked?” And I said
“No, no she’s not saying that, she’s saying she wants to be licked” and that really blew my mind because that was what had happened to me by an adult male when I was a little girl. It has never happened again, and in my head it was never, ever, ever happening again, because times when I had thought I could allow that to happen again, in an adult, mutually consenting relationship, I immediately became that girl again. So I never put myself in that position, not for 30 years, until the moment at the workshop when I listened to her say that in that workshop. And then gave myself permission to, I guess, experience that in a choice way, in a safe way, and as a woman not a girl, and with confidence not coercion. And have continued to until last year sometime, I’m slightly back in that place. Is this something I now own, or that I’m still tied to the history of? I did experience an owning of it as an adult woman, as a pleasurable experience that this adult yoni has power over. The little girl who had no power, or had power taken away from her.
Drop back into your pelvis and see where is your yoni at with it now?
Tied. Restricted. Related to the freedom and liberation of being in an all-female workshop and the reality of being in a monogamous but strained marriage. So wanting something physically, but mentally and emotionally, the rest of this being is not willing to go there. (Laughs) It’s just so frustrating.
What does she need from you to heal or to celebrate herself?
I’m reminded of the first time I did anything like this, and I went to the loo in the break and after peeing I wiped her with the most gentle of dabbing. Like I’d never done before; usually I pee get up go. That feels like what I hear again today, just a little bit of “Love me please, look after me, prioritise me, just like a little tentative hand in a crowd. Not waving vigorously but waving tentatively “I’m over here”
She needs some love and attention.
What would she like to wear do you think?
Purple satin! I’d not thought of that before but it came fully formed into my head.
Is there anything else that she needs to say before we close the process?
The huge difference between the gentle treatment and the rough wiping. The need for love and care and attention and not being used by me or anyone else. And the ‘lip-ness’ the lip aspect, the lips.
“So exciting to receive my empowering pants package! And I immediately slid them on and the luscious purple frills danced around my hips enveloping and surrounding my safe cave. That’s how it felt putting them on that they were surrounding me, not protecting but like a valance sheet around a bed looks pretty as it hangs but also surrounds a dark safe space under the bed.”