Menopause Gaslighting

And why today should be International Women Lie down day

I see myself as being the corrective force to hold the positive end of the spectrum of menopause experience, of the possibilities for growth. Just the other day someone got in touch with her story about a surgical menopause, which is typically expected to be brutal, Sue said:

“Post hysterectomy has upped my energy, upped my game and, on days when I don’t drink coffee, doesn’t worry me too much with hot flushes either. I’m not on HRT at all. I sometimes get headaches which are different to the ones I had before, but I’ve always had headaches and migraines so probably not related. Just different. Not what I was expecting at all.  I’ve also been more in tune with my intuition and dreams which has been the biggest surprise.  It’s like I’d been on drugs the whole time and suddenly I’m clean and can see clearly.”

If you know anything about my work, you’ll have spotted that I can be Pollyanna-ish on the menopause front, so I’ve struggled to write this piece because it has required me to embrace the shadow. The shadow to the transformational aspect of menopause is the suicide rate for women in mid-life. The highest rate for women occurs between 45 and 49, sitting squarely in the perimenopause season and it’s rising year on year.

Gaslighting

The newspaper and magazine headlines are clear, menopause makes you sick, depressed and unattractive but if you do your very best (dear) you’ll be able to pass. To look like a desirable woman, at least. Needless to say, we humans love a negative story and many gazillions of £ and $ ride on us buying stuff to avoid the awful calamity of not being desirable on these terms. Even a superficial glance through a Google search shows an endless variation of ‘Menopause drove me to suicide’ headlines, not to mention famous casualties like Kate Spade and L’Wren Scott. But take a look through the, admittedly pitiful, research and you’ll find studies showing that mental health both declines and improves through menopause. It just depends on where you are guided to look.

It’s hard not to see this as mass gaslighting. Has the culture of fear and  loathing heaped onto menopause become a self-fulfilling prophesy? Because if you are told that you will become useless, unattractive lose your creativity and power, then after all, what’s the point? Patriarchy and ageism, though played more subtly these days, still cast a heap of shame over us and this also makes us ill. Even the former head of the International Menopause Society, David Strudee, speaking from the heart of the medical establishment, says that in matriarchal cultures menopause symptoms are less severe. So much for polemic, right? But down the line, people get hurt and hurt badly. Not just the people who chose to end their lives but their families and communities are devasted by loss.

If you feel suicidal

Try to focus on getting through this hour, rather than thinking about the future

Talk to someone you trust, or a helpline about how you are feeling, it doesn’t matter if you feel you don’t deserve help or that it won’t make a difference.

Contact a health professional like your GP or community mental health team

Try to do activities which take your mind off what you’re thinking

If you are in danger call 999 or go to A&E

There are helplines listed at the end of this post

The Ugly best friend

Using a seasonal model, the creation of menstrual pioneer Alexandra Pope, perimenopause starts with the seasons of Autumn and continues into Winter, before we can enter into a new cycle in the Second Spring of postmenopause.

It’s a cycle of two halves the Spring and Summer gradually building our sense of self and our capabilities out in the world, our agency and ego. Autumn and Winter turn our attention inward, we become increasingly sensitive, aware of our values and needs so that we can shed what isn’t serving us and move on to a new cycle of increasing agency. It’s the first half of the cycle that gets the praise. This is the part where we can receive validation for being productive, serving others, being ‘out there, capable’. The second half of the cycle gets the supporting role as the ugly best friend, serving only to contrast with the beauty of the romantic heroine. This cycle is also present in the menstrual month, creating a harmonic rhythm of activity and rest that keeps us in balance.  The Summer role, if we attempt to play it endlessly, will break us.

The problem lies, not with menopause, but with the pressure to maintain the performance of Summer when we are in an Autumnal or Wintery place. Effectively we have to mask our needs and our reality for a decade, utterly exhausting. Just to be clear, the Autumn and Winter is not merely to be tolerated as a necessary evil, the gifts are astonishing. They include the essential leadership qualities of discernment, knowing, truth telling, self-belief, deep rooted connection to values, vision, self-love and spirituality to name a few, available IF, only if, we can give ourselves space to receive them and take our foot off the gas.

The rigid archetype of femininity is still of being a tireless caregiver, always putting the other first. As we are gradually having kids later, there are diminutive dependents needing us, while at the same time our careers will extend into our 60’s with later pension provision, add in elderly parents needing our time and care, let alone a pandemic and we are beyond stretched. All this at a time when our natural seasonal is to pause more often, to question, to process difficult feelings as they emerge from the past. To rest. No wonder one of the most commonly reported issues at perimenopause is loss of confidence, we’re caught desperately trying to hold onto a mask of being good enough under near impossible circumstances.

The ingredients to nourish this sensitive time and enjoy a productive Autumn and Winter are regular doses of:

• More space
• Quiet
• Reflection time
• Rest
• Acceptance of emotions and feeling that surface for healing
• Radical self-kindness and compassion
• Letting go of roles
• Delegating and asking for help

Impractical? Not possible in our society? Just look at the cost to our communities and families when they are not available.

My wise friend Abi Denyer-Bewick suggested today should be ‘international women lie down day’. Smart women Abi.

How can we counteract the tide of gaslighting?

Our first step is to pause, to step out of the endless to-do list and notice we are caught in a trap.

Rest

Finding ways to rest will be different for all of us, it might be lying down with a nidra, but equally, it might be watching Home and Away, walking, baking, drawing… anything that helps our mind to slow down and our bodies to regulate.

Reach out and fess up

Every time we tell a story of how we really are, in all its complexity and contradictions, we chip another piece of shame away from the wall. While there are challenges as we age, there are also enormous benefits and delights. On a zoom or a walk, over a cup of coffee and in time we’ll be able to hang out again too. Build your communities of acceptance and love amongst your fellow menopausers.

Reach out and take action

Don’t be afraid to reach out for professional support. Help from a GP, mental health team or therapist can turn things around.

Reach out and ask…

Are you OK? And don’t be afraid to ask if a friend is intending to harm themselves, it’s not true that talking about it might make it more likely.

Even a smile and a warm chat can be enough to ignite a possibility of hope.

If a friend has the intention and means to harm herself, call in help by calling 999 or go to A&E.

Reach out and listen

When you’re suffering, reach out to places or people that are safe. Most especially when you feel you don’t need/deserve it.

Listen to your friends without judgement and encourage them to talk about what they’re feeling and thinking. Forget about advice, ask them what sort of help and self-care has worked for them in the past.

Reach out for yourself

If you have been supporting someone who has suicidal thoughts or taking suicidal action, don’t forget your own self-care, find a safe place to share what happened and your feelings afterwards.

Reach out in kindness

Imagine you are with your dearest, most loving friend. What advice would they give you right now? It’s likely to be kinder than anything your head can come up with, when you’re suffering.

Places to find help

Samaritans 116 123 UK

Campaign Against Living Miserably – CALM 0800 58 58 58

Shout 85258

National domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247