I am worrying, dearheart, that I may have messed with your expectations. In redressing the negativity around menopause transition and ageing, could I have been overly positive? Did you expect, after a year of no periods, to pop out of your chrysalis a fully functioning butterfly? I’ve received an increasing number of messages recently asking:
How flipping long Kate, before this is over and Spring comes?
The sense of betrayal simmering underneath. And hey, perhaps I have talked up Second Spring like a adult Pollyanna at times. But there are good reasons why you may be beyond your menopause transition year and still grappling with perimenopause challenges. We’ll peer beneath that stone and see what’s beneath later.
But first I’d like to clarify that these Life Seasons: Autumnal perimenopause, Wintery menopause and so on, are soul yearnings. They are not a magical wand that shifts you automatically into a different consciousness, wiping out all the challenges of five decades of life. If you’re socialised as female you are likely to seriously downplay or ignore the stresses of your life, expecting to spring back up like a new born lamb at all times: ‘don’t worry about me I’m fine!’ convinces nobody.
Where’s the Spring gone? The Second Spring is there in your very longing, in the very desire to see light at all, to expand. Something that in menopause would make you reach automatically for your eye mask. This postmenopausal Spring comes first as an internal state, the unfurling of a fern crozier. A subtle re-opening to life that may not be lived out visibly in the world for years, but internally, there’s that longing.
The Life Seasons often show up in our dream life, archetypal symbols of rebirth and renewal: sprouts, lobsters, eggs. Or you may find yourself drawn to particular artwork: stories, films, fine art that opens hope and possibilities for you creating a rich and deep inner Spring state. We wanted it all to be a magic renewal, and though in some senses it is, of course it never looks like we think it ‘ought’. It’s not the Instagram version. It’s much. Much better than that.
Let’s go back to that stone and have a peek at the things that get in the way of us living our Life Seasons as the archetypal map suggests.
Prioritising approval over needs
If you were socialised as female, you would likely have been taught that to be lovable, you were required to conform to others expectations of you over your own needs. Five decades of being a second class citizen will have an effect. If you experienced big or small T trauma the effects will show in length and severity of your perimenopause.
Period blues
The sense of shame around menstruation has lessened in the last ten years, but I probably have a distorted view because of the way the algorithms play out. To bleed every month is perceived to be somehow, ‘less than’, and in an undefinable way: not as good as a man.
Being denied your cyclical nature
Through your menstruating years you were expected to be on top form 100% of the time. Being less than this, say 80% or below elicited shame, apologies, and a sense of failure. This expectation meant you had to push through your menstrual autumn and winter as though they didn’t exist, moving you towards burn out.
Western societal bias towards independence
We send our kids to school early, testing and exams become ever more prevalent, and the mark of success is a young adult leaving home in their early 20’s. If you have a privileged background, independence may have been demanded from a departure to boarding school at 7, 11 or 13. Independence is seen as higher status than leaning into family support.
Second wave feminism
We owe our feminist ancestry a huge amount, don’t get me wrong. But the feminism of the 70’s and 80’s told us to just be more like a man. Go get that career at all costs. Prioritising worldly authority over inner authority has a cost.
Birth trauma
In a medicalised birthing environment, birth trauma is widespread and unacknowledged. Goddess help you if you have brown or black skin, where the outcomes for both mother and newborn are much worse than for white women. The trauma, if unresolved, will place an extra burden on your health and bonding with your child.
Motherhood undervalued and unsupported
If you had children, it’s common to be in more or less sole care of them with little support and no recognition for the astonishing miracle of building a human and growing it into a functioning adult. More burn out. And the judgement never seems to end.
Domestic inequality, caring and emotional labour
Decades of doing more work around the home, usually unvalidated is exhausting. Utterly invisible to nearly everyone around you, we seem to suck up emotional labour like a sponge. Women are often the nervous system in the home and communities, regulating the nervous systems of the folk around them. Women are also more likely to be the ones caring for vulnerable family members.
Deficiency narrative
No sooner than perimenopause had been invented (it barely existed when I was in my 40’s), than it was hijacked as a ‘deficiency’ that needed treatment, and in the future, prevention. This misinformation creates widespread fear and panic, mixing up stress and trauma responses, ageing and hormones.
Undiagnosed neurodivergence
Declining progesterone while oestrogen is rocking around in perimenopause impacts ADHD and autism, plus the exhaustion now makes it impossible to mask or maintain coping strategies. The usual HRT offering can make things worse too: no wonder so many are waking up to their neurodivergence in perimenopause. (I have a great list of resources here).
Gendered ageism
We are told that to age, seemingly past 38, is to be irrelevant, redundant and unlovable. Perimenopause is evidence of ageing, so basically that’s it: from now on everything is going south unless you start to paddle like a maniac.
Quite a list no? There is a lot to contend with here, and if you add in the regular crises that life throws at us: bereavement, disputes, financial catastrophes etc. then no wonder your Life Seasons don’t look like the archetypal map. But the underlying cycle is still there pulling at your heart and womb-space, still calling you back into life.
If you find yourself plagued by endless Winter and are wondering when it will end, take heart, Spring is waiting for you. Tend your inner hearth with pleasure and inspiration, invite your golden loves to come sit by the fire and warm their hands. Look into the flames and the smoke of your dreams for help and support. Plant your seeds in nourishing soil and Spring will come in its own time.
If this speaks to you, you might enjoy Perimenopause A Call To Love, a weekend workshop to push aside the mainstream narrative and move deeper into your own story of becoming. I’d love to welcome you there.
